In other news I’ve decided to start a new blog called FUBankofAmerica.  Think I’ll have any followers?

Enjoy!

Now that September has rolled around and the natural disasters seemed to have ebbed to for the time being, my attention has turned to football, my 40th birthday and the winterization of Casa de Chaos.  Did I mention our chimney is coming away from the house?  Indeed.  Happy Birthday to me.  (And to BW whose birthday closed out the month of August!)   It’s pretty sad that the chimney is 10 years my junior and literally falling apart at the seams. And since the chimney saga really deserves it’s own post,  I’ll just leave you with the knowledge that it needs to be rebuilt and that the rebuilding process commences tomorrow.  Le sigh.

I’m typing this post  en route back to Boston (post-birthday celebration – yet another separate post) on a Concord Trailways coach and my eyes are weary from road rattle.  Dear readers, I need to wrap up.  Thanks for checking in.  I’ll try to write something pithy for your amusement later in the week.  You know how it goes though….there’s always plenty of fodder, just not always plenty of time.

The novelty of home ownership is officially wearing off.  I need ice cream.  Stat.

That’s all about to change though since I am slated to take the test for my Learner’s Permit this afternoon!  I’m a little nervous that I’m not well prepared enough but that’s probably just the old Virgo OCD rearing its ugly head.  After all, I’ve studied the driver’s manual, taken the online prep test for Maryland (since Massachusetts doesn’t offer one!) and BW even quizzed me on the ride home last night. Granted we got off to a bit of a rocky start when he began asking questions like, “What does a trapezoid-shaped sign mean?” (Which, by the way, I’m pretty sure means a bear sat on a square sign…) but once his questioning capabilities got back on track I began to make his head spin with my righteous knowledge of the road rules.  

Assuming all goes according to plan I will soon join the ranks of card carrying Massholes – just in time to celebrate my 40th birthday.  I think this calls for a red velvet cake in the shape of a traffic cone with road flares sticking out of the top of it instead of candles.  What do you think?

Behold…..

Bathroom #1

That box of tissue comes in handy every time I burst into tears over this color scheme.

Notice how the previous morons owners decided it might be kind of cool to pee in a room that Satan decorated. I’m kind of surprised that they didn’t add a red toilet to complete the full effect.  (Though if memory serves, the washer & dryer that used to be here were a lovely shade of Beelzebub Bordeaux.)

Redrum

This bathroom is located on the first floor of the house which basically ensures that any guests who come to visit never have the urge to visit the second floor.  Lucky for them. If they decided to stay in the guest bedroom upstairs they would have to use

Bathroom #2

#2 indeed

This bathroom almost leaves me speechless. Seriously. Pink toilet and sink? Walls the color of your grandfather’s colon? And that floor. I can’t even talk about the floor.

And wouldn’t you agree that the broken window adds the perfect touch to a space that was clearly decorated by crack whores?

The neighbors must have started throwing rocks at the window when they saw this decor from the road.

I still need to hang a shower curtain in this room but am having a hard time finding one that won’t clash. It seems none of the stores around here carry Martha Stewart’s Ghetto Collection.

I just can't seem to scrub the pink out.

I can’t look at this any longer.  Let’s just move on to Bathroom #3, shall we?

Visually the master bath is probably the least offensive of the three but from a functional standpoint it’s a complete nightmare. It has wall and vanity cabinets to stash big items like bulk packages of toilet paper but there are no drawers or medicine chest to tuck away small items like bandaids, hairbrushes and Q-tips. This would only be a minor inconvenience if everything else worked in here.

Unfortunately, nothing does.

There’s no hook on the back of the door for my bathrobe so as a temporary solution I grabbed an over-the-door hanger out of my toolbox and did what its name suggests….hung it over the door.  And now the door doesn’t close.

The other morning I reached out to grab my bath towel and the wall mounted bar on which it hung clattered to the floor making a such a racket that Whiskey and Twyla went scrambling for the hills.

And see this giant patch of loveliness in the corner?

I've seen better paint jobs on hookers.

There’s no overhead fan – so moisture from the shower gets sucked right into the walls causing the paint to peel.

I suspect the dysfunctional nature of this bathroom provided the inspiration for the color choice since blue is supposed to be calming. Don’t they paint the walls of the looney bin blue to keep the patients docile? Indeed – blue walls and valium.  That’s pretty much all we need around here.

I’ll just hang out here a few minutes while you peel your jaw off the floor.   

All set?

Cool.  So as you can imagine, we’re very excited to finally be moving!   On Saturday BW and I will drag all of our crap out of the storage facility where it’s been parked for the past 2 weeks /1 year  (my shit / his shit).  Then on Sunday we will relocate the three cats and hope the house survives the turmoil that may ensue as they try to kill each other along with any number of bugs that may have insinuated themselves between the windows and window screens.  We live in the country now so there are lots of bugs.  Big flappy-winged ones that cast shadow monsters on the living room walls at night.  But that’s good because if the coyotes see big bug monsters in our living room maybe they’ll think twice about inviting themselves over for dinner.

See?  A new house means a whole new set of possibilities to consider….

So speaking of dates, let’s talk about the closing for a moment since I can’t help but squirm when looking at the calendar.  Mercury goes retrograde next week (March 30th) and will continue retrograde until the end of April.  For those of you unfamiliar with the implications of this astronomical occurence, it is not advisable to sign contracts, engage in important decision-making, or launch a new business. Delays and challenges are more probable with Mercury retrograde. It’s a time when being careless with money, our personal information, or paperwork can be costly.  Some people are more sensitive to Mercury retrograde cycles than others. Mercury-ruled Gemini and Virgo natives are likely to be particularly sensitive to the effects of Mercury Retrograde in general.*

Did I mention that BW and I are both Virgos?   True to the Virgo stereotype we are organized, practical, loyal as the day is long, and generally even tempered.  Indeed, we’re the sexiest people you’ll ever meet.   And apparently our astrological G-spot is Mercury retrograde.    But I digress.  The point here is that although it’s taken us almost an entire year to get this house and we’re really anxious to get this party started, I’m looking at the calendar thinking we need to delay the closing date until May if we want to be safe in the astrological sense.  I’m envisioning a Memorial Day Weekend move.   Without snow please.

*from CafeAstrology.com

Yesterday Boy Wonder had to drive all the way to Fedex at 9pm to fax an addendum page that the Bank claims was “missing” from our file.  If it weren’t for that we wouldn’t have even known for certain that the Bank knows we exist.  So good.  At least we have someone’s attention.  Now if we could just have someone’s DECISION I could stop using capital letters unnecessarily and boring you with updates that reflect no change in our housing status.